If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, the following post may be triggering. If you need support now, you can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Life Line 988.

“That Day”. That’s what I call it. The day that I attempted suicide. I don’t know what else to call it when I say it out loud and I don’t like to say that I “attempted suicide”. It’s terrible. I’m an awful excuse for a person for having even done what I did. That’s how I see myself. Weak. Worthless. I still see myself this way. But when you add “she tried to kill herself” on top of that, it just makes me sick. I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s because that’s what the world is like. We look down upon those who have mental issues. …..Anyway, I’ll get into that in another blog. This one is about That Day. I do not remember much at all. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It’s all really foggy for me. Just to give you an idea, it all took place in my bedroom. I have no unsettling feelings about my bedroom. It’s still a safe place for me. I do however have unsettling feelings about my couch and my living room where I spent most of my depression. The reason I do not have bad feelings about my bedroom, I have discovered thanks to therapy, is because I don’t remember enough of that day for there to be any bad feelings tied to my bedroom. That day is so foggy that I have asked those that were closely involved to write a little something about what that day was like for them.

Here is what I remember, it was April 16th, 2021. I remember going to work at my brothers and getting off at 11:30AM. I remember going straight to the store for more alcohol. I remember being pissed off that my friend wasn’t there waiting for me at my house when I got home. To “check” on me. More so though, I was happy she wasn’t there. This meant I could go inside and drink and cut myself and do anything else I could to make the end come faster. I couldn’t take life one more day. I was done and today would be the day that it would end. I was convinced this was what needed to happen and nothing was going to change my mind. I remember going inside my house and immediately downing all the alcohol I could. I remember thinking, “hurry up, she’ll be here soon, you don’t have much time. End it”. I knew I had to get it done quick because my friend may have been late, but she was going to come. I remember sitting in my room drinking and then trying to find some marijuana that I had. I didn’t smoke. I had gummies. I remember eating basically an entire bottle of them. I didn’t know if it would do anything, I just knew my resources were limited and I figured the more bad things I ingested, the better. I already had in my mind the prescription meds in my cabinet lined out that were to come after I drank all the alcohol. I remember someone knocking on my front door. I remember it was my friend and I remember I didn’t want to let her in. That’s it. That’s all I remember about “That Day” I don’t know how my friend got in. If I let her in, or she used her key, or what. But she did get in and I’m alive today because of it. I’ve asked her to type up something about what that day was like for her.

Here’s her reflection: “When I got to my friends house (later than what was expected), I assumed I would walk in to see my best friend who just needed a friend at that moment. Someone to vent to or a shoulder to cry on. No, I went to my best friends home. I couldn’t get in. I honestly don’t remember how I ended up inside. If I used the key she gave me or she eventually came to the door. She had given me a key to her home a while back and made sure I kept it. I still have this key. When she told me to keep the key in case I ever needed it for any reason, it usually just means just that, but her tone in her voice (I didn’t understand or realize at the time) I could tell I definitely needed to have it and make sure I knew how to get into her house if I ever really needed to. See when that time came I was still naive. I could feel it but not understand therefore couldn’t comprehend. I think to this day I still don’t fully understand. I thought I would walk into my bffs home and she would be happy to see me. We would talk and hang out. She would bitch about whatever and I would just make her feel better. No. That absolutely didn’t fucking happen. My best friend was drunk and high and talking to herself and telling me she is done with fucking life and to take care of her baby girl and husband because she just “knew” that was the best thing to do. Nobody needed her. Nobody cares about her. She wasn’t worthy of life. She had everything planned out and wanted to make sure I knew just what to do. Her and I have been best friends since elementary. We haven’t always been close and both have another best friend together. She felt like it would be best for me and our other BFF to be best friends and that we would be fine and quickly forget about her. I tried talking sense into her but her being her extremely stubborn self, was not having any of it. During this time I randomly told her “girl go take a shower and let’s do your hair and makeup. It’ll make you feel better” I didn’t know what else to really say or do. I know it makes a huge difference when I’ve showered and have gotten myself together. It makes me feel better. We all have days when we are down and I thought maybe it would make her feel better. I finally talked her into taking a shower. (I was so relieved) But the next thing I knew she had these sharp ass scissors and she was cutting herself! I about flipped out! “NO. THIS IS NOT OK. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE DO!” As my eyes are tearing up and I’m freaking out not knowing what the hell to do. I have never been in a situation like this before and I am shocked (I still am to this day). I remember seeing her hands where she had cut them before. I can still see her bloody cut hand in my head very vividly. I could feel the pain just by looking at her hand. I felt like I was out of control because I didn’t know how to control the situation. She at some point finally went to take a shower. While she was in there I had hid any sharp objects including those damn scissors and called her husband (all while peeking through in on her while she was in the shower to make sure she wasn’t trying to do anything else to harm herself) When she got out she was still very upset and telling me the same stuff of how everyone would be better off without her. We had a long conversation. Mainly her just repeating everything, but she eventually got tired and laid down. When she was asleep she kept talking to me or so I thought. She was having conversations with someone. Not me! She said some things that didn’t make sense to me, but it was about when she was a little girl. Someone was doing something to her and she was mad because her brother wasn’t there for her. Her mom wouldn’t listen to her or care about what was going on. She was talking and acting as if it were happening to her all over again. This happened on and off. She would fall asleep and then wake up. It felt like eternity but it came time to pick her baby girl and my kiddos up from school. But I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t know if she would wake up and do something. Her husband was going to be home any minute and I knew her brother would be coming down to her house soon so I left at the very last second to pick her girl up and my kiddos from school. Thankfully little miss didn’t question much. I think or I feel she knew something was going on with her mommy, but knew everything would be ok and thankfully she is comfortable with us and IS and feels apart of our family. I love that girl as if she were my very own. I would do anything for her. Danielle told me on several occasions if anything were to happen that I HAVE to make sure her baby girl is ok and safe and for her to be with me. During Danielle’s time away, I definitely made sure of that. Maybe more so than what I should have. But I HAD to make sure that her baby girl was taken care of, loved, continue her normal routine, and not be in a situation to all of a sudden worry about her mommy. Even though her dad was here and saw her everyday, I felt that it was best for her to stay with us. I felt like he may need time to think alone and not to worry or stress about more than what he already was. Or maybe that wasn’t best for him. The days were scary and I’m sure they were for him as well. Not really knowing or understanding fully.”

The only parts I remember from her reflection is waking up and some point and asking why I was naked and wet. (I had no recollection of the shower she made me take) I also vaguely remember her asking me or telling that she got some clothes together for my daughter.

Reading the words from my best friend. It hurts a lot. I hate myself for putting her through all of that. No one should have to go through something like that with someone they love. There are certain parts of her reflection that I will need to look deeper into and get some answers. This will happen in therapy I am sure.

I hope that someone who reads this takes away how much suicide can and will hurt your family. How much you really are cared for and loved even though in that moment we think we are completely worthless. I hope someone reads this and thinks of their best friend(s) that they will leave behind if they follow through with any plan they may have. I hope someone reads this and realizes how important friendships are and that we should never take those that love us for granted. Love the people around you and make sure they know how much you love and care for them.

More reflections to come.

-Sincerely Brutal

If you need support now, you can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Life Line 988.