ONE YEAR LATER

I’m not feeling well. Starting to feel hot, sick to my stomach. Shaky! Hard to breathe. On the verge of breaking down into uncontrollable sobs or bursting with uncontrollable anger. Both. Effecting my vision. I see blurriness.

Can’t stop thinking about it. Tomorrow is a year to the day. The day I woke up and knew that was the day my life would end. This is overwhelming darkness. Pure evil and dread. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s the most terrible, sickening, terrifying feeling in the world. And it won’ stop. And I have no control over it.

It will take me deeper and deeper until I completely surrender and let it take me. I feel a dark cloud over me. I feel as if everyone knows and can see it. They’re all judging me as they look on. I can feel it. Just make me invisible. I hear people laugh. Don’t laugh. Don’t act as if I’m not here suffering this internal death in hell. You see me. I know you do.

Want to reach out to someone. But why? To make them feel bad too? That’s all it does. It brings them into the dark with me. That’s not fair. It doesn’t make either of us feel better.

I just want to sleep. Just need to lay in the dark and sleep. That’s when it stops. For a short time until it shows it’s face in my nightmares.

I can feel it. The unbearable emptiness and fear of sitting in that hospital that night getting ready to tell my family goodbye. No phone. No visitors. No contact with the outside world. Only a few clothes. No nothing. I can hear the woman screaming down the hall. Fighting her own inner demons aloud.

So scary. So many pills. So many emotions. Severe loneliness. Severe paranoia. The voices in my head don’t stop……..

Even now….they don’t stop.

-Sincerely Brutal

If you need support now, you can call or text the Suicide and Crisis Life Line 988.